Tuesday, April 1, 2008

I AM FREAKING OUT!!!

I don't even know how or where to begin. I LOVE that God blessed me with the ability to breast feed as easily as I have been able to. I Love it but totally took it for granted. For the first 4 months of Reese's life she had NOTHING but me. Every meal for 4 months was ALL me. I decided that I would give myself a breather each day and supplement one feeding a day with formula. At that same time she went from 5 feeding to 4 a day. Things were okay until about a week ago when I noticed that she was not staying attached to me very well and she cried and seemed unsatisfied. I also noticed that my D cup was now a perfect C cup. Then this weekend Cason and I went on a weekend retreat with our church class. Reese got all 4 bottles one day and 2 the next day of formula. I pumped once while we were at the retreat on Saturday and got 8oz out. I thought it was kind of funny that I didn't feel swollen or like I needed to pump more than just that one time. When we got home I realized there was a problem. Reese didn't want to eat off of me she wanted formula. For the rest of Sunday I only feed her off of me. Then the same on Monday but tonight she wouldn't stop crying and acting like she was hungry. I would put her on and she would eat for a minute and then stop and act like she wasn't getting anymore out. To make sure we did everything we could think of to make her feel better hoping that hunger was not the problem. I made her a formula bottle with 4 oz in it. She drank it so fast and when my mom pulled her away to burp her, she freaked out. I don't understand how in one month with only supplementing 1 bottle a day I am drying up.
I have been beside so many of my friends when they cried because they either ran out of milk or couldn't breast feed at all. It is not until tonight that I felt their pain. I know to some of you who didn't really care or it wasn't a big deal will not understand why I am acting this way when I did it for 5 months and I don't know if there is a way to explain it
I am not ready for someone else to be able to do what I alone have been able to do for her for her entire life. I LOVE that bonding time. I did it with Parker till her was 8 months and I stopped because I wanted to stop not because I had no choice. I wanted to do it with Reese till about 9 or 10 months. Before I thought breast feeding would be weird and now it is breaking my heart that it might be over. ( i don't plan on having anymore kids, so this is it) Tonight I have been drinking tons of water and pumping every 5 min. I really took it for granted what a precious gift it was. I pray with all of my might that it isn't over. I am not ready for it to be over. For all of you who went through this I am so sorry that I wasn't more compassionate with you. This has been a bigger deal to me than I ever imagined.

6 comments:

Crazy 8s said...

Randi,
DON'T PANIC. From what I understand, breastfeeding is a supply/demand thing. If you trick your body into thinking that there is more of a demand you may beable to counteract this. I haven't gone through this before, but I can imagine how you feel. You are a wonderful mommy.
I have a friend you can talk to who is a breastfeeding expert. She has successfully nursed two children (still on the second) and has wonderful advice to give at all times. If you want her information (or if you want me to talk to her for you) call or email me asap...don't worry, everything is going to be just fine.

Crazy 8s said...

Oh, and I can't imagine you would do this, but please tell me this was not an April Fool's joke

Amanda's News said...

Randi,
Keep drinking lots of water...maybe some wine for dinner:) Do it every 3.5 hrs and only give Reese you for awhile. If she keeps crying and not eating off of you...you could always pump it and put it in a bottle instead of formula. Sort of defeats the whole bonding thing (you could still bond while holding the bottle), but then she wouldn't be use to the formula taste. It's not over...just a bump in the road. You can do it!!!! I feel for you b/c I went through the same thing!

Blessed said...

Randi,

I feel for you girl. That's pretty much what I went through for 5 whole months. :( NOT FUN! I cried for a LONG time. I have no good advice, but call me if you need to talk. I agree with Amanda. Keep trying!

Whitney Cantrell said...

Oh Randi, I'm so sorry! I'm praying right now. I of course cannot relate with anything having to do with being a mommy, but you definitely have my prayers and support. Love you!

melanie said...

BEEN THERE! My problem happened to be that I had started back on my birth control pills...which I did not know will dry you up quick! Also, in all the thosands of efforts I used (even going back off the pill didnt help) a lactation consultant said to "power pump" twice a day. That is pump for 10 minutes, rest for 10 for an hour. It really increased my milk. But by the time I tried it...I was pretty far gone. So he never could exclusively only nurse again. I was so sad even though nursing has not always been a great experience for me. But I felt guilty and so bummed. But hey, try what you can and if it doesn't work out you will know you tried it all!

I will pray!

melanie